Tag Archives: identity crisis

April 27, 2019

Trapped in a Well of Despair

By Rhonda

Being me is extremely uncomfortable. The amount of self hatred I have makes my skin crawl. I feel so disconnected from reality, like I am battling a constant identity crisis and I am in so deep that I can’t be present. I can’t mentally engage with the world.

I often wonder if there is anyone else out there who suffers the same way I do. I struggle every day to get out of bed, and I continue to struggle until my head hits the pillow again. I feel so unaccomplished, and the guilt burns deep within my soul, often paralyzing my body and my mind.

Every night, I go to bed hopeful that tomorrow will be a better day, that tomorrow I will do something that makes me proud. But when my alarm rings the next morning, I have no motivation to get up and get moving. What I feel is absolute exhaustion, and it is near impossible to push through it. So, I turn off my alarm and go back to sleep… until I wake up again with excrutiating anxiety from being a failure once again.

I am sick and tired of feeling worthless, but life is meaningless. We do nothing but work, and we have endless responsibilities. All for nothing. We just die, we cease to exist. And what is the point of that? I can’t find one. Maybe if there was a reason for all of this trouble, like if there was an afterlife. But there isn’t. So, how do I get excited to live, to be me, when there is nothing special about me? I just live to die like everyone else. Honestly, I have no clue how other people ignore this fact, how they convince themselves they are leading a life of purpose. I wish I had their false sense of importance.

Is there any hope for me?

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April 27, 2019

The Identity Crisis Within

By Rhonda

Being me is exhausting, confusing, depressing… but also exciting. Every day is a whirlwind of chaos, contradicting emotions and unpredictable behavior. How I feel one minute is not how I’ll feel the next. Because I never know what’s coming, I can’t prepare for it. And, because the mood swings are so sudden and intense, it’s near impossible to understand what’s happening to me, and near impossible to control my responses. So, my decisions are inconsistent, and somewhat dependent on my everchanging mood.

It’s hard for others to understand, but it’s almost like I have multiple identities, each one fighting for control over my one body, and there’s no telling which one will win what battle. Maybe that’s why I am exhausted, weak and hungry all the time. While others have one identity to nourish, I have five – all so very different but very much alive.

When I try to talk to my family about my “issues,” they say it’s all in my head. Well, no shit. I clearly don’t have a physical disability. Yeah, my chest bone sticks out farther than my boobs, my ass is a little saggy and my face will always have acne, but overall, I think it’s safe to say, I am physically okay. One could even argue I am more than okay. I should probably eat less carbs and work out more, but besides that, I am healthy (or at least that’s what my doctor said at my last physical). So, thank you, family, for your input. But, this is not a question of whether it’s “all in my head,” but a question of how I cope with my inner battles – how I learn to understand and satisfy each of my identities – so I can thrive, and maybe even achieve my fullest potential.

I suffer from memory loss – I can’t recall what I say to people, not even 10 seconds after I say something, and I sure as hell can’t remember much of my childhood. I sometimes wonder if the reason I suffer from memory loss is because life, from my point of view, is a blur. My inner battles make it impossible to focus. In fact, I never truly feel present. Physically, I’m all here, but mentally, I can’t escape my thoughts – I feel trapped.

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