Ugly…
The first word that pops in my head when I look in the mirror.
Is that not normal? Is that not the same for you?
If it is, how do you hide your self-hatred so well?
How do you feel so comfortable showing off your body?

I wish I could be like you.
I wish I could feel comfortable getting dolled up, taking photos of myself.
But I don’t.
Instead I hide my womanly features, I hide from the camera.
Why?
If I put effort into my appearance, people will think I think I look good, and then judge me for still being ugly.
Sounds silly, right?
I know, but I can’t even look in the mirror in a public restroom out of fear that other women will see me freshening up my look, and then judge me for even trying when there is nothing I can do to look pretty.
Same goes for photos.

Don’t get me wrong. I take selfies, but I feel weird sharing them.
I feel weird looking at them.
I just don’t feel special enough, I don’t feel worthy.
All I see is flaw after flaw after flaw.
And I dread when my friends want to take photos with me.
I always look so ugly compared to them.
It depresses me.
But still I take photos with them, to make them happy.

I hate that I feel this way. I wish I could get past it.
I always try to convince myself that I am beautiful, but it’s hard.
How can I believe such a thing when there is no proof?
Rarely do I receive compliments on my looks.
My mom always told me that’s because no one compliments the pretty girl.
I know that’s not true.

And so what if I am really ugly?
What’s wrong with that?
Why can’t I accept it and own it?
Why can’t I just be comfortable in my own skin?

My biggest regret so far is that I’ve never learned to love myself.
I took my youth for granted, I wasted it feeling insecure and ashamed.
And now that chapter in my life is over.
It sucks.
But I guess all I can do now is pick up the pieces and try.
Try to see beauty through my doubt.
I just don’t know if it’s possible.
No matter what I do, when I look in the mirror, all I see is ugly.
…Ugly.