I am always sick. Every four weeks like clockwork, I come down with a sinus infection, or at least something that resembles a sinus infection. Honestly, I don’t know anymore. All I know is the symptoms – headache, sore throat, congestion, body aches, fever – last for two to three weeks every time, and they never fully subside. In between sinus infections, I still feel pain in my head, ears and throat. I’ve visited specialists, but no one knows what is wrong with me. Maybe my allergist is right – maybe it is my anxiety. It is so out of control, my body can’t handle it. 

I’ve never fully opened up to anyone about my anxiety. When someone asks me about it, I just brush it off and act like it’s no big deal; when in reality, it is a big deal – It is a big fucking deal. It’s just my anxiety has so many levels to it, I don’t even know where to begin. So, I guess you can say this is my attempt to begin, to explain just one tiny part of my anxiety hell hole. Consider it an intro, if you will. (I’m a fucking wreck.)

I put way too much pressure on myself. So much so, I can barely make it through each day, and there is absolutely no reason for me to even put this much pressure on myself, but I can’t stop. I don’t know how. And the older I get, the worse it gets. I just feel like I’ve wasted so much of my life partying, bullshitting, that now I have to make up for lost time. I have been on this earth for almost 32 years, and yet I have nothing to show for it. My life up to this point as been worthless. So, I feel like I have to push myself to accomplish goal after goal, project after project, because I don’t have time to spare, I don’t have time to fuck around anymore.

Why do I care so much about my accomplishments? About chasing my dreams? Why can’t I just live in ignorance and bliss like most of the people around me? Why do I value self-improvement over everything else? I have a never-ending list of projects, which I mean who doesn’t, but the pressure I put on myself to complete these projects is overwhelming, almost paralyzing. Still, they are my focus – Completing them will make me happy, will make me feel less of a failure.

My desperation for success and my endless projects aren’t the only things that give me anxiety. No, it’s also the fact that there is too much to do, and too little time. Week after week, I am so overwhelmed by other priorities – work, errands, appointments, household chores, etc. – I often feel like I am drowning, like I can’t even keep up with my daily to-dos. And, these things have to come first; there’s nothing I can do about that. So, once all is said and done, I don’t have much free time, and in the little free time I do have, I have to choose between my goals, my projects and spending time with friends and family. And honestly, I’d rather use my time wisely, chipping away at my projects and working toward my goals, than spend time with loved ones, which no one understands.

As I’ve said before, I have wasted too much of my life being a fucking hot mess, and now all I want to do is focus on being the best version of myself. I want to be happy, but happiness to me is doing what I want, not having to give into the demands of others. Why is that so hard for people to understand? Why is it not okay for me to chase my dreams? I can’t be there for others unless I am first there for myself.

And on that note, why the fuck do people expect me to go out of my way to spend time with them? The only time I hear from my loved ones is when they are complaining that I don’t care about them anymore, which is bullshit. If they have all this time on their hands, why don’t they come to me instead of making me always come to them? Why am I the only person with a full schedule and dreams they want to chase?

Of course, all of this is exhausting, so I have to take time each week to do something fun, to enjoy my hobbies, or I will completely lose my sanity. Though, nothing ever feels truly “fun” anymore. Everything I do, no matter how relaxing, feels like a chore because I have to strategically plan out every hour of every day, in order to make sure I have time for as much as possible.

Anyway, none of that even compares to the deep-seeded reason my anxiety eats at me. My everyday battle against the clock is just a result of me not being able to accept the fact that our lives mean nothing. When we die, we just cease to exist, and that’s it. That’s all there ever was. So, day in and day out, I struggle to grasp WHY. Why do we go through such pain and torture for no fucking reason? Why do we have such complex lives, just to die? I don’t want to die. So, I guess you could say the idea freaks me out so much that I put extreme pressure on myself to make the most of every moment, to create something that will live on in some way. I just wish there was a way for me to strive for greatness and feel inner peace at the same time…