Tag Archives: dark humor

November 27, 2019

Grandma’s Titties

By Rhonda

“You mean the world to me,” Millie’s grandson proclaimed, as they danced hand in hand.

“Oh… Charles,” Millie replied with a forced smile. Truth is, Charles was Millie’s least favorite grandchild. Everything about him and his new wife, Gail, screamed “basic.” When Charles asked Millie some weeks ago to dance with him at his wedding, it took everything in her might to not laugh in his face. Still, she patted him on his cheek and told him it would be an honor. 

Charles and Gail booked a grand banquet hall and a block of rooms for their guests at an overpriced hotel downtown. When Millie first arrived, she thought about making a run for it, but she knew she couldn’t let anyone know how much she secretly despised her grandson, whom everyone else adored. 

“We want to get weird, grandma!” Charles exclaimed when he stopped by her condo a few months ago to hand-deliver her invitation. “So, we decided to have the wedding at a hotel. That way, everyone can get weird with us and not have to worry about transportation! I hope you don’t think less of me and Gail after.” He laughed, and Millie tried her best to return a genuine chuckle.

“That kid has no idea what is means to get weird,” she thought after he left.

Looking over Charles shoulder, Millie squinted and tried to read the clock behind the bar. How long had she been dancing with Charles? Does this damn pop country song have an end? That’s when she noticed a chubby, young man with dark hair ordering a drink. 

“Ohh, I want a piece of that,” Millie thought, and watched as the man walked back to his table in the corner of the hall. 

When the song finally faded out, everyone applauded Charles and Millie. 

“I love you, grandma,” Charles professed. Millie was smiling bigger than she ever had around Charles, and he took that as an invitation to give her a long hug. She patted him on the back, then headed straight for the young man, who was sitting alone drinking whiskey on the rocks.

“You busy?” Millie asked when she reached his table. She didn’t even bother sitting down.

“That was a beautiful dance,” the man teased.

“Shut up, and come with me,” Millie insisted. The man finished his drink and followed her to the elevators.

“You got a name?” asked the man. Millie looked him up and down. His khaki pants were too tight and slightly wrinkled from sitting all evening, and the top three buttons of his maroon shirt were open, showing off his hair chest.

“Not for you,” Millie replied, as they got on the elevator. She looked down at her own outfit – a black lace midi dress accessorized with gaudy gold jewelry, fishnets and pink sneakers. Even in her 70s, Millie rocked outfits meant for teens and young adults, and she did so better than a lot of women one-third her age. 

Millie’s room was on the third floor, right next to the elevator. She knew Charles requested that room for her, so she didn’t have to walk far. He was always doing dumb shit like that.

As soon as the door closed behind them, Millie pulled down her dress straps. Her boobs dropped. The man’s eyes lit up as she picked them up and motorboated herself.

“Bet you’ve never met a young girl who could do that,” Millie gushed. “Now, drop your pants.” The man obeyed, and fumbled as he undid his belt and pulled off his pants as fast as possible. He kicked his stuff into the corner of the room and started stroking his already hard cock. 

Millie sat on the edge of the bed and licked her boobs up and down, keeping eye contact with the man the entire time. When her chest was wet enough, she lay back on the bed and signaled for the man to climb on top of her. 

Without hesitation, the man straddled Millie, placing his knees at the sides of her rib cage. He leaned in close and put his hands on the bed above her head for support. With one boob in each hand, Millie enfolded the man’s throbbing dick in them. 

“I… I’ve never felt anything like this,” the man sputtered, as he thrust his cock between Millie’s sopping boobs. “I… I don’t think… Oh my God… I can’t… I can’t keep going. I’m going to burst!” Within seconds, the man squirted a load of cum all over Millie’s chin and neck. 

Millie laughed and pushed the man to the floor, where he lay in fetal position trying to catch his breath. She walked over to the full-length mirror, and watched herself as she licked the cum from around her lips. She rubbed in the rest of the cum with a makeup brush and then lingered for a minute, admiring her beauty. She felt genuinely happy for the first time that evening.

“That was incredible,” the man finally exulted, interrupting Millie’s contentment. She turned and spit in his face, then looked back at herself in the mirror and smirked. She grabbed the flask off the desk beside her.

“Meet me on the dance floor in 10 minutes,” she told the man, before kicking him and walking out the door.

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September 27, 2019

Beware the Creature

By Rhonda

Matt walks into a small, rundown gas station off a winding road in Kentucky. He looks around, grimacing at the expired food sitting on the dusty shelves.

An elderly man calls out from behind the counter, “May I help you?” He can sense Matt is new to the area.

“Um…” Matt stutters and walks over to the old man. He looks at the name tag pinned to his faded blue shirt. “Gus, hi. I believe you can help me. I am looking for a map,” he hesitates, as Gus perks up, knowing what Matt is about to say next. “A map that will lead me to the creature.”

“No, no…” Gus shakes his head. “I can’t…”

Matt cuts him off. “Please, sir. I know all about the creature and her ability to grant wishes. I also know that meeting her has its risks. But I am desperate. I have no other options.”

“I understand,” replies Gus. “You aren’t the only one who’s come through here, wanting to meet the creature. And it is true. She can grant wishes, but rarely does that happen. You see, the creature is easily agitated and can be very unreasonable. She hates company, and even if she is actually willing to hear you out, she will not grant you a wish without a price.”

Matt smirks, “I’ve heard it all before, but honestly, I don’t believe the creature is as cruel as the rumors claim. It’s probably an old wise tale. Worst case scenario, I follow the map and find nothing. I mean, how do we even know the creature ever existed? Is there proof?”

Gus looks out the window at the forest behind the gas station and sighs. “No one has been reckless enough to meet the creature in over 40 years, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t there.” He looks back at Matt. “I know she exists.”

“Alight, Gus. If you are so sure she exists, I am going to need to find out for myself. I need to meet the creature,” Matt exclaims. “I need her to grant me a wish for the sake of my family. I am willing to risk it all for them. Now please, hand over the map.”

Gus stares at Matt, who is growing impatient. He realizes there is no way to get through to him, no way to stop him. He bends down and unlocks the safe sitting under the counter. He pulls out the crinkly map and stands up. Matt yanks it out of his hands, and before Gus can say another word to him, he is out of the gas station. Gus watches him as he disappears into the forest.

Though slightly faded, the map is easy to read, and after just an hour of walking, Matt reaches a cave-like entrance that greatly resembles the one drawn on the map before him. This is it.

“Creature, are you there?” Matt calls out. He can feel his adrenaline pumping, his heart pounding faster than ever before.

“UUuuGGHHhh.” Matt hears a loud groan from inside the cave, followed by the thud of footsteps. Within moments, the creature appears at the entrance. “What the fuck do you want?” The creature snarls and spits on the ground in front of Matt.

Matt gasps. The creature looks nothing like what he imagined. She is as wide as she is tall. Her skin is leathery and grey, covered in warts and purple veins. Her hair is long and matted, and you can barely see her dark eyes under her saggy eyelids.

“Well, who the fuck are you?!” The creature shouts. She is clearly not happy, and now Matt is scared.

He takes a deep breath and explains his situation to the creature, telling her his family is in desperate need and she is their last resort for help.

“Aww, my poor child,” the creature says, wrapping her arms around Matt. She strokes his hair. “I would love to help you and your family.”

Matt smiles and looks up at the creature beaming back at him.

“Under one condition…” The creature pulls Matt’s face closer to hers. “You have to make me cum.” She laughs, and Matt can feel her hot breath against his skin.

Matt freezes from shock. She wants him to make her cum? The thought of having sex with the creature is unbearable. He wants to say no and run away, but he knows he can’t. He has to be brave for his family.

“Okay, I’ll do it,” he tells the creature.

The creature licks her cracked lips and giggles. She lies down on a flat surface just outside the cave and lifts up her smock, revealing her droopy labia lips already wet from excitement.  

“I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. Just don’t look down,” Matt tells himself, as he pulls off his pants and slides his penis into the creature’s warm vagina. The creature moans as he thrusts in and out, in and out.

Everything seems to be going well for a minute or so, until the smell of the creature’s vaginal slime becomes too overwhelming for Matt. Unable to control himself, he vomits all over the creature, which of course, infuriates her. She throws Matt off of her and stands over him.

“You can’t satisfy me?! Then you will never satisfy another woman ever again!” The creature yells, and in one swift motion, she slices off Matt’s penis and balls with one of her long, sharp fingernails. She tosses his genitalia into a box with hundreds of others.

“You are useless, just like the others,” the creature sneers. “Now get out of here!”

Matt looks down where his penis and balls used to be. It is smooth, as if nothing was ever there. He cries and shakes his head in disbelief.

“Did you not hear me? Get out!” The creature screeches.

Wasting no more time, Matt yanks on his pants and runs out of the forest. He stops at the gas station where Gus is waiting for him.

“I told you not to meet with her,” Gus says. He pulls down his pants to show Matt that he too no longer has his penis and balls. “Welcome to your new life.” He takes off Matt’s pants, and rubs his newly smoothed area against his.

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July 27, 2019

Magic in the Park

By Rhonda

Billy stops in front of the men’s restroom at his neighborhood park. He takes a deep breath, before pushing the door open and walking inside. The bathroom is dimly lit, with four stalls lining the back wall. Billy scans the room, taking note of its structure. Nothing but concrete.

Billy’s never been inside the park’s bathroom – hell, he’s never even been to the park before. But, he’s heard the rumors, and after years of speculation, he’s finally worked up enough courage to see if they’re true.

He walks over to the stall on the far right and pulls open the swinging door. Immediately, his eyes are drawn to the small hole in the left-side wall. He gasps. It’s real. The glory hole is real.

Billy walks inside the stall and pulls the door shut behind him. From what he’s heard, something magical – or GLORIOUS – happens when you put your butthole up against the hole in the wall. So, without hesitation, Billy pulls off his gym shorts and throws them in a corner. He spreads his butt cheeks and places them against the wall, aligning his butthole with the glory hole. The wall is cold underneath his skin.

Gabe, a park regular training for an upcoming marathon, runs past the men’s restroom and catches a whiff of Billy’s exposed butthole. He stops dead in his tracks and reaches for his penis, now fully erect and hanging out of his skimpy running shorts.

Rather than continue on his run, Gabe walks toward the bathroom and pushes the door open. He sees Billy’s feet from under the far-right stall and takes another big whiff, before heading into the stall next to his. He bends down, aligning his mouth with the hole in the wall, and blows cool air on Billy’s butthole. Billy giggles, and so, Gabe tickles his butthole with his tongue.

“Oh, why must you tease me like that,” moans Billy. “I need your cock inside of me. Right now.”

“No,” says Gabe, leaning back away from the hole. “It’s too big. I’ll hurt you.”

“Please, oh please,” begs Billy. “I can handle it, I swear.”

Gabe cries, as Billy continues to plead. He strokes his throbbing, hard dick, using his tears as lube.

“Please. I need this!” Billy spouts, pushing and rubbing his butt cheeks hard against the wall.

Gabe can’t take it any longer. He needs this too. He touches Billy’s butthole with the tip of his wet penis, and without warning, he shoves it in. Billy squeals and grabs his pencil-like dick, as his butthole rips open.

“Yes, oh glorious master, yes!” Billy yells. 

Gabe thrusts his penis in and out as fast as he can, each time slamming his pelvis against the wall.

“You like it deep, you filthy animal. You take that big cock!” Gabe wails, his dick now covered in blood and feces.

“Oh yes, yes, yes! I love my master’s swollen cock!” Billy belted out, stroking his thin penis with his fingertips. 

“Now for my favorite afternoon snack,” exclaims Gabe, after just a few minutes of thrusting. In one fell swoop, he pulls his dick out of Billy’s butthole, points it up at his face and squirts cum directly into his mouth. “Oh, mama!” He shouts and licks his lips.

Billy falls to the floor, panting, with his little penis still in his hand.

“Thank you, thank you, oh great one, thank you,” he cries.

“No, thank you, peasant, for being so willing. You did good,” responds Gabe. He pulls his running shorts up over his now flaccid dick, still caked with blood and feces. “You take care now.”

Gabe tosses a quarter into Billy’s stall, and it hits him in the thigh. He picks it up and starts to howl. He wants to express more gratitude, but before he can respond, Gabe is already out the door, continuing on his run. So instead, he pushes the quarter up inside his torn butthole and smiles. What a magical place.

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May 27, 2019

Slithery Snake

By Rhonda

I stared up at the blue sky, wishing I could soar among the clouds that passed by. Instead, I lay in the middle of the hot-asphalt street in front of my house. I wanted to catch a distracted driver off guard, causing them to either strike me or swerve uncontrollably into a nearby tree. After 20 minutes of torturous silence, a puny garden snake slithered toward my face.

Snake“What are you doing?” the snake asked.

“Waiting to raze the life of another,” I responded. “I’m bored.”

“Allow me to spice up your day,” the snake insisted. Before I could answer, the snake slid in between my breasts and underneath my dress. “Ahh, no panties. My kind of girl,” the snake said as he slid down my stomach toward my vagina.

I gasped and moaned as the snake’s forked tongue wrapped around my clit; and I thrust my pelvis as he moved his tongue up and down my labia lips. Before long, the snake stuck his head into my now dripping wet vagina and forced his way inside. I squealed and thrust my pelvis faster as the snake danced inside.

Only minutes later, a car came speeding down the road in my direction. After reading a text message from his mom, the driver of the car looked up to find my body blocking his way. Freaking out, he jerked the steering wheel to the right, and crashed his car into a giant tree in front of my house.

As soon as the car hit the tree, euphoria rushed through my entire body, causing my vision to blur, my legs to shake, and my vagina to squirt out the snake.

“Wow,” I exclaimed, still trying to catch my breath. I leaned up on my elbows and looked around. “Snake?” I looked around again, but didn’t see the snake anywhere. It was like he never existed.

“Meh,” I shrugged, stood up and brushed myself off. I walked past the car wreck and the neighbors that started to gather around it. “He’ll be okay,” I thought and went inside.

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March 27, 2019

Juicy Waffles

By Rhonda

Knock knock.

I unlocked and opened the door to my storefront, “Juicy Waffles,” only enough for one eye to see out. A young, petite lady in a blue dress stood on the porch in front of me.

“Yes?” I asked, peering through the small space. I didn’t let just any potential customer into my store. I had to deem them worthy of my tasty treats before they could even take a glance inside.

“I’d like a waffle,” the girl said. She released the grip of her fist, revealing a five-dollar bill.

“And, why do you think you deserve a waffle?” I inquired.

“I can handle the gush,” she claimed.

I smirked, and opened the door enough for the girl to enter. I directed her to the only chair in the store, which sat under a dim ceiling light in the middle of the otherwise empty room.

“Sit. The show will begin shortly,” I affirmed. I pushed a short table out in front of the girl, and exited into the backroom.

The girl was alone for two minutes before three nude men with fully erect penises entered the room, each one carrying a fluffy golden waffle fresh out of the oven. They placed them on the table.

“You must remain silent, little lamb,” said one of the men. The girl nodded.

The three men stood in a circle, facing one another. Simultaneously, they each grabbed the man’s penis to the right and stroked it furiously. The girl remained silent, yet gleamed with delight. She leaned forward and licked her lips.

After five minutes, the three men, still grasping each other’s penises, maneuvered enough to form a straight line facing the girl.

Waffles“Tell us how you like it, bitch,” one man demanded.

“Thick and juicy!” the girl exclaimed. All three men grunted, and together, squirted jizz all over the waffles, the table and the girl. The girl squealed, scooping the jizz from her face and into her mouth.

“Very well, then. Three waffles, extra thick and juicy,” one man said. The three of them then bowed, and walked into the backroom.

The girl was, again, alone. She moaned loud with every bite she took of the waffles, and as she prepared to put the last piece in her mouth, she screamed and squirted vaginal juices all over the chair beneath her.

After she recovered from such intense ecstasy, the girl stood up, placed the five-dollar bill on the table in front of her and walked out into the blazing sunlight.

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