Being me is exhausting, confusing, depressing… but also exciting. Every day is a whirlwind of chaos, contradicting emotions and unpredictable behavior. How I feel one minute is not how I’ll feel the next. Because I never know what’s coming, I can’t prepare for it. And, because the mood swings are so sudden and intense, it’s near impossible to understand what’s happening to me, and near impossible to control my responses. So, my decisions are inconsistent, and somewhat dependent on my everchanging mood.

It’s hard for others to understand, but it’s almost like I have multiple identities, each one fighting for control over my one body, and there’s no telling which one will win what battle. Maybe that’s why I am exhausted, weak and hungry all the time. While others have one identity to nourish, I have five – all so very different but very much alive.

When I try to talk to my family about my “issues,” they say it’s all in my head. Well, no shit. I clearly don’t have a physical disability. Yeah, my chest bone sticks out farther than my boobs, my ass is a little saggy and my face will always have acne, but overall, I think it’s safe to say, I am physically okay. One could even argue I am more than okay. I should probably eat less carbs and work out more, but besides that, I am healthy (or at least that’s what my doctor said at my last physical). So, thank you, family, for your input. But, this is not a question of whether it’s “all in my head,” but a question of how I cope with my inner battles – how I learn to understand and satisfy each of my identities – so I can thrive, and maybe even achieve my fullest potential.

I suffer from memory loss – I can’t recall what I say to people, not even 10 seconds after I say something, and I sure as hell can’t remember much of my childhood. I sometimes wonder if the reason I suffer from memory loss is because life, from my point of view, is a blur. My inner battles make it impossible to focus. In fact, I never truly feel present. Physically, I’m all here, but mentally, I can’t escape my thoughts – I feel trapped.