Tag Archives: dark humor

July 27, 2021

My First Time

By Rhonda

There I sat on my Nightmare Before Christmas bedspread going through my Facebook friends list, unfriending random acquaintances I met while drunk, when I came across the profile of a boy I did not know. The mystery man seemed to be around my age, maybe a year younger. I thought about unfriending him, as I did not know him, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it – not after scrolling through his photos. My God, this boy was sexy, or at least he appeared to be. So, instead of hitting the Unfriend button, I sent him a private message. He responded immediately.

The sexy mystery man was apparently as interested in me as I was in him, and after a quick chat through Facebook messenger, we scheduled a smoke session at my house for that very evening. Turned out, the boy was a year younger than me and still lived on campus, so I had to pick him up in front of his dorm. (Look at me, mackin’ on them younger dudes. What a cougar.)

When the boy hopped in the front seat of my car, I beamed with excitement. The mystery man was even sexier in person than he was in his photos. He was maybe 5’9”, with broad shoulders and the perfect fat-to-muscle ratio. He had dark hair, blue eyes and a smile that melted my heart. I couldn’t wait to get him naked.

In the living room back at my house, I packed a bowl for the sexy boy and me. We passed it back and forth, got really high and flirted for a couple hours before I got tired of listening to what the boy had to say. I jumped on top of him, wrapped my thighs around his, and shoved my tongue in his mouth. He did not object, and when things started to get hot and heavy, the sexy boy carried me into my bedroom and threw me on top of my Nightmare Before Christmas bedspread.

Eager to move things along, I pulled off my clothes and threw them on the floor, and the boy did the same before climbing on top of me. Neither one of us stopped to turn on a light, and so with us not being able to see too well, it was up to me to grab his hard cock and guide it into my wet cooter. However, as soon as I wrapped my hand around his member, the night took an unexpected turn…

I gasped – I was straight up flabbergasted. The sexy boy’s penis barely exceeded the length of my palm. To give him the benefit of the doubt, it was maybe an inch longer. At this point in my life, I had no idea a penis was capable of being this small. Sure, I heard rumors of boys with penises four inches or smaller, but I didn’t think they were true! With his member still in my grasp, I stared up at the boy on top of me. Thank God we kept the lights out, so he couldn’t see my state of shock.

Snap out of it, Rhonda. You can’t back out now. You’ve come too far. Just do what you need to do to get this over with as soon as possible. You can try to comprehend the situation later.

I took a deep breath and pulled the sexy boy’s pelvis toward mine. I moaned sympathetically, pretending to have the time of my life, as he thrust his tiny cock in and out of me. Luckily, my act was believable, and the boy finished in just a few minutes.

We both got dressed immediately after and giggled awkwardly for a while, before I drove him back to his dorm with no intention of ever talking to him again. The sexy boy drunk dialed me a few times after that, but I never picked up the phone. Our sexual experience was too cringe worthy. Unless you know what you’re getting into, your first small penis experience can be traumatizing.

Since then, I have banged plenty of boys with small members, but now I know how to handle the situation, so it is nowhere near as surprising. I welcome cocks of all sizes, I don’t discriminate – worst comes to worst, I can always jump on top and go for a ride!

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April 27, 2021

Wooden Fate

By Rhonda

“Alright, men, gather around,” Captain Longboard shouted as he climbed up on a table outside the captain’s quarters. He kicked a pile of maps to the side. “I have an announcement to make.”

The men, who were prepping the ship for their journey across the Atlantic ocean, stopped what they were doing, looked up at the Captain and then at each other. Some of them shuddered. The Captain’s thick, wooden dick was hanging out of the bottom of his shorts… again. 

The men hesitated to walk over to the Captain. They hated seeing his dick. It brought back memories of the unpleasant nights each one of them had been forced to spend with him. The Captain often grew lovesick for his wife while out at sea, and when he did, he demanded companionship from one of the men. If the chosen one refused, he had him thrown off the ship into the ocean.

When the men finally circled the Captain, he introduced his daughter, who was standing to the right of him. “This is Sandy. She will be joining us on our journey. I want you all to be on your best behavior.”

Sandy was a beautiful, young blonde with a radiant smile, and when the men took notice of her, they all perked up. Let’s just say the flags on the ship weren’t the only things at full staff.

“Woody,” the Captain called out to a scruffy, innocent-looking man in the crowd. “You are in charge of watching over Sandy. In the next couple days, you two will make sure the sleeping quarters are set up.” Jealous, the rest of the men groaned. “Now, get back to work, everyone,” the Captain commanded.

As the men scattered, Woody walked up to Sandy. “Hi,” he said bashfully. Sandy was the most stunning woman he had ever seen. He put his hands over the front of his pants in an effort to conceal his member.

“Hi,” Sandy blushed. Little did Woody know, Sandy felt the same way he did – He was the most handsome man she’s ever laid eyes on. Her groin throbbed.

Over the next couple days, Woody and Sandy did as they were told, prepping the sleeping quarters for the journey across the ocean. All the while, the sexual tension between the two grew, so much so both of them found it unbearable being in the same space as each other and often avoided it… until the third night out at sea, that is, when Sandy approached Woody, who was sitting out on the main deck stargazing. “Hi,” she said. 

Woody sat up abruptly, and without hesitation, he blurted, “Sandy, I can’t take it anymore. I have to have you.”

“I feel the same way,” Sandy responded. “But… but I have my dad’s genes.” She lifted her dress, revealing a smooth, wooden patch with a small hole in the middle. To her surprise, Woody was not frightened. Instead, he smiled.

“Baby, I too suffer the same fate,” he exclaimed, pulling down his pants to show Sandy his long, slender wooden shaft.

Sandy squealed and yanked Woody’s head toward hers, shoving her tongue down his throat. “Put it in me,” she hollered. Woody obeyed, and thrust his member in and out of her. Sandy moaned, “More, more! Give me more!”

Woody thrust harder and faster, and as he did, their private parts began to smoke. Before long, a fire broke out, but the two did not stop fucking. Instead, they proclaimed their love for each other.

“I love you!” Woody cried out.

“I love you too!” Sandy screeched, as the two of them became engulfed in flames.

The fire spread, and soon the whole ship blazed in the darkness of the night. Most of the men, who were down in the sleeping quarters, burned alive. The few who were awake jumped ship; however, they too perished, as nearby sharks caught a whiff, charged at them and ripped them to shreds.

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January 27, 2021

A Day in the Life of a Lou

By Rhonda

Monday morning, the Lou walks into work, a small office with cubicles lining the walls. He squints under the incandescent lighting, and scratches his fully erect penis with the stapler in his hand. The Lou’s coworkers stare at him when he walks by their desks. They grimace, as the smell of cigarettes fills the air around them. The Lou is hungover — again. The skin under his eyes is dark and droopy, and his mouth is so dry, he can’t help but smack his tongue against his palate, in an effort to produce drool.

The woman who sits in the cubicle across from the Lou’s is wearing a loosely fitted dress to mask the extra 50 pounds she carries around her waist and thighs. The Lou stops, and greets the woman. He thinks her rotund figure is “breathtaking.”

“Hello, Gertrude,” he smiles. The woman stares at the blue computer screen in front of her, and prays that the Lou will leave her area without rubbing his hard-on against her back. The Lou’s “problem” is well known among his coworkers, and just two weeks ago, the woman underwent a hysterectomy to avoid any potential mishaps. Considering the Lou’s superiority over his coworkers, he is able to get away with even the most demoralizing acts.

The Lou pats the woman on the shoulder, sniffs her ear, and walks away. He peers into the empty cubicle on the other side of the woman’s. A blood stain covers the floor beneath the swivel chair. The Lou sighs. His all-consuming urges are even too much for him, sometimes.

Last month, a coworker — an older gentleman who often took off his shoes in the office — told the Lou about the recent birth of his granddaughter. The Lou’s insides boiled with excitement. The thought of a woman’s vagina ripping open caused his entire body to tremor. The Lou blacked out, and by the time he regained control of reality, in front of him laid the man with his pants wrapped around his ankles and blood pouring from his anus. The Lou looked down. His penis was also covered in blood. Behind him stood three women, screaming. The Lou had fucked the man’s butthole so hard, he ruptured his colon.

LouThe Lou shook his head, in an effort to rid his mind of such ungodly memories. He walked into the backroom connected to the office. Under the dim lights, stood three rows of giant computers. When the Lou’s impulsivity was too much to bear, he shoved his penis between the machines, and thrust ferociously. The Lou did this so often, none of his coworkers dared to go back there. Ever. They knew the consequences if the Lou were to see them during his moments of weakness.

Upset, the Lou pulled his pants down, and rubbed his protruding colon on the warm computers. He growled and moaned. He quivered, and rubbed harder. The pleasure intensified, causing the Lou to collapse to his knees. On all fours, he continued to rub his colon against the metal, until finally, he wailed and squirted jizz all over the floor in front of him. The Lou gasped for air, and fell over into the juicy mess. He squirmed until he fell asleep. With his pants around his ankles, the Lou, covered in jizz, slept until around noon, when it was time to eat donuts.

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May 27, 2020

Traveling Trucker Whores

By Rhonda

“Ugh, what the fuck,” Jaimi cursed, as she ran a small black comb through the dried jizz that matted her hair. She had just finished with one of her regulars – the one who was notorious for pulling out and cumming on her face (and inevitably in her hair) whether she wanted him to or not.

“Mother fucker,” she blurted, as the door to the otherwise empty bathroom flung open. In walked a stocky young woman in a tight yellow dress.

“Well, aren’t you a looker,” said the woman. Jaimi threw her comb into the sink and turned around.

“Excuse me?” She asked.

“You’re pretty,” answered the woman. “I like your hair. I wish mine flowed like yours.” It’s true, Jaimi did have long golden locks. Even matted, her hair looked much healthier than the woman’s poorly colored pixie cut. “My name is Wrigley. Do you need help?”

“Wrigley? What kind of name is that?” Jaimi quizzed.

“My parents wanted a dog,” the woman responded. “Do you want some help or not?” Without a word, Jaimi picked the comb up out of sink and handed it to Wrigley, who immediately started brushing. “So, what are you doing in a rest area bathroom with jizz in your hair?”

“I work here,” Jaimi replied and pointed to the stack of $20 bills sticking out of her purse. “What are you doing in a rest area bathroom helping a stranger?”

“I just hitched a ride with a trucker. Told him to drop me off here,” Wrigley smirked. “I guess we’re in the same line of work… I just get around more.”

“You mean you’re a traveling trucker whore?” Jaimi asked.

“I have to be. Let’s just say my signature move isn’t always well received,” Wrigley grinned.

“What? What does – “ Jaimi tried to respond, but Wrigley cut her off before she could finish.

“C’mon, I’ll show you!” She squealed. She threw Jaimi’s comb back in the sink and grabbed her by the arm, pulling her out of the bathroom.

Outside it was dark, and the headlights from a couple semi-trucks parked nearby made it hard to see. Wrigley scoured the area.

“Over there!” She yelled, letting go of Jaimi’s arm and pointing to a large bald man leaning against his truck. “Let’s go.”

Wrigley scrunched up her hair and wiped her mouth. She stuck her chest out and strutted toward the man. Jaimi adjusted her boobs in her little black dress and followed close behind.

“Hello handsome. Ever get a blowie from two girls at once?” Wrigley got straight to the point, which impressed Jaimi. The man looked them both up and down.

“Well hello to you too. How much?” He inquired, licking his lips.

“Hundred bucks,” Wrigley answered. Hundred bucks? Jaimi was even more impressed.

“Hmm,” the man pondered, then pulled out a wad of cash and handed it to Wrigley. “This better be worth it,” he said. Wrigley grabbed his hand and led him to the woods behind the rest area bathrooms. Jaimi again followed close behind.

“Lie down and take off your pants,” Wrigley demanded. She could sense the man’s hesitation. “It will be better this way. I promise,” she smiled and winked.

“Anything for you, darling,” the man chuckled and did as he was told. After he got down and lay half naked on the leaf-covered ground, Wrigley spit on his dick and got to work. She massaged the head with her tongue, before making the whole thing disappear in her mouth. The man groaned.

Jaimi got down on her hands and knees too, and began fondling the man’s balls. She leaned in closer, tickling the sack with her tongue.

“Oh my God, this is totally worth it. You ladies got me ready to nut already,” the man moaned louder and louder. “Oh shit, here it comes!” He wailed and came in Wrigley’s mouth. She swallowed.

“Wowee, you all are some talented young women. I don’t think I’ve ever cum that fast from head. I am definitely coming back to this rest area again soon.” As the man rambled on, still lying half naked on the ground trying to catch his breath, Wrigley pulled out a small tube of super glue from between her boobs.

“Let me just give it one more kiss,” Wrigley giggled. She caressed the man’s dick with one hand and gave it a tiny peck on the head. Then in a blink of an eye, she took the super glue in her other hand and squirted it in the man’s pee hole.

“What, what the fuck was that?!” The man screeched. “What the fuck did you just do to me?!” He reached down and felt the tip of his dick. “Did you, did you do what I think you just did?! Why you little whore!”

 “Fuck you and your cock!” Wrigley hollered. “Let’s get out of here!” She yelled to Jaimi, and the two of them went running out of the woods while the man scrambled to his feet, trying to run and pull up his pants at the same time.

“I’ll get you, you bitch!” The man screamed after them.

“Come and get me, baby!” Wrigley shouted and blew a kiss back at the man. “There! He’s leaving. Let’s get in his truck!” She urged, pointing to a semi-truck getting ready to pull out of the rest area. She and Jaimi bolted toward it. Wrigley opened the passenger door.

“Please sir, please help us! There’s someone after us!” she cried, and before the driver could answer, she and Jaimi climbed in and slammed the door shut behind them. “Thank you, sir, thank you so much.”

“Let’s get you out of here,” the driver insisted and shifted the gear into drive.

As the semi-truck rolled away, Wrigley and Jaimi could see the man in their rearview mirror frantically searching the rest area for them. They looked at each other and laughed, both recognizing this was the start of a beautiful friendship.

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March 27, 2020

Deep-Throat Gone Wrong

By Rhonda

I opened the door and staggered into his tidy apartment. I kicked off my flip-flops and threw my keys on the couch.

“Take off your pants,” I slurred and flung my arms around his neck, pulling his head toward mine. I shoved my thick tongue in his mouth.

“You taste like beer,” he said.

“You taste like beer,” I snapped back. I grabbed his wrists, led him into the bedroom and pushed him on the bed.

“Lift up your fat ass,” I demanded, as I attempted to pull off his gym shorts. He obeyed, and soon, he was naked. I slapped his erect penis. “Yeah, you like that bitch?”

I put my mouth around his mushroom tip and sucked… hard like a child sucking their thumb. Moving my head up and down, I slobbered all over his throbbing cock. He grunted and moaned.

After a quick warmup, I was ready to make his cock disappear in my mouth – which may not have been the best idea, considering I came from a pool party where I consumed a lot of beer, vodka, grilled chicken, chips, cake, you name it. So, instead of deep-throating his cock like a champ, I gagged and vomited all over his pelvic area and his white sheets.

“Oops,” I smirked and wiped off my mouth.

“It’s okay,” he claimed. He cleaned himself off with a couple wet paper towels, took the sheets off the bed and lay back down. I stared at him, confused.

“You’re going to finish, aren’t you?” he asked.

“You aren’t mad?” I closed one eye to focus in on his face.

“Hell no, as long as I cum,” he exclaimed.

I laughed and assumed my position. This time, I was able to deep-throat with no problem – I had nothing left in my stomach to upchuck. He jizzed; I swallowed.

“Time to drink more,” I declared, as I got dressed. I grabbed my keys and left.

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