Tag Archives: humor

July 27, 2021

My First Time

By Rhonda

There I sat on my Nightmare Before Christmas bedspread going through my Facebook friends list, unfriending random acquaintances I met while drunk, when I came across the profile of a boy I did not know. The mystery man seemed to be around my age, maybe a year younger. I thought about unfriending him, as I did not know him, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it – not after scrolling through his photos. My God, this boy was sexy, or at least he appeared to be. So, instead of hitting the Unfriend button, I sent him a private message. He responded immediately.

The sexy mystery man was apparently as interested in me as I was in him, and after a quick chat through Facebook messenger, we scheduled a smoke session at my house for that very evening. Turned out, the boy was a year younger than me and still lived on campus, so I had to pick him up in front of his dorm. (Look at me, mackin’ on them younger dudes. What a cougar.)

When the boy hopped in the front seat of my car, I beamed with excitement. The mystery man was even sexier in person than he was in his photos. He was maybe 5’9”, with broad shoulders and the perfect fat-to-muscle ratio. He had dark hair, blue eyes and a smile that melted my heart. I couldn’t wait to get him naked.

In the living room back at my house, I packed a bowl for the sexy boy and me. We passed it back and forth, got really high and flirted for a couple hours before I got tired of listening to what the boy had to say. I jumped on top of him, wrapped my thighs around his, and shoved my tongue in his mouth. He did not object, and when things started to get hot and heavy, the sexy boy carried me into my bedroom and threw me on top of my Nightmare Before Christmas bedspread.

Eager to move things along, I pulled off my clothes and threw them on the floor, and the boy did the same before climbing on top of me. Neither one of us stopped to turn on a light, and so with us not being able to see too well, it was up to me to grab his hard cock and guide it into my wet cooter. However, as soon as I wrapped my hand around his member, the night took an unexpected turn…

I gasped – I was straight up flabbergasted. The sexy boy’s penis barely exceeded the length of my palm. To give him the benefit of the doubt, it was maybe an inch longer. At this point in my life, I had no idea a penis was capable of being this small. Sure, I heard rumors of boys with penises four inches or smaller, but I didn’t think they were true! With his member still in my grasp, I stared up at the boy on top of me. Thank God we kept the lights out, so he couldn’t see my state of shock.

Snap out of it, Rhonda. You can’t back out now. You’ve come too far. Just do what you need to do to get this over with as soon as possible. You can try to comprehend the situation later.

I took a deep breath and pulled the sexy boy’s pelvis toward mine. I moaned sympathetically, pretending to have the time of my life, as he thrust his tiny cock in and out of me. Luckily, my act was believable, and the boy finished in just a few minutes.

We both got dressed immediately after and giggled awkwardly for a while, before I drove him back to his dorm with no intention of ever talking to him again. The sexy boy drunk dialed me a few times after that, but I never picked up the phone. Our sexual experience was too cringe worthy. Unless you know what you’re getting into, your first small penis experience can be traumatizing.

Since then, I have banged plenty of boys with small members, but now I know how to handle the situation, so it is nowhere near as surprising. I welcome cocks of all sizes, I don’t discriminate – worst comes to worst, I can always jump on top and go for a ride!

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April 27, 2021

Wooden Fate

By Rhonda

“Alright, men, gather around,” Captain Longboard shouted as he climbed up on a table outside the captain’s quarters. He kicked a pile of maps to the side. “I have an announcement to make.”

The men, who were prepping the ship for their journey across the Atlantic ocean, stopped what they were doing, looked up at the Captain and then at each other. Some of them shuddered. The Captain’s thick, wooden dick was hanging out of the bottom of his shorts… again. 

The men hesitated to walk over to the Captain. They hated seeing his dick. It brought back memories of the unpleasant nights each one of them had been forced to spend with him. The Captain often grew lovesick for his wife while out at sea, and when he did, he demanded companionship from one of the men. If the chosen one refused, he had him thrown off the ship into the ocean.

When the men finally circled the Captain, he introduced his daughter, who was standing to the right of him. “This is Sandy. She will be joining us on our journey. I want you all to be on your best behavior.”

Sandy was a beautiful, young blonde with a radiant smile, and when the men took notice of her, they all perked up. Let’s just say the flags on the ship weren’t the only things at full staff.

“Woody,” the Captain called out to a scruffy, innocent-looking man in the crowd. “You are in charge of watching over Sandy. In the next couple days, you two will make sure the sleeping quarters are set up.” Jealous, the rest of the men groaned. “Now, get back to work, everyone,” the Captain commanded.

As the men scattered, Woody walked up to Sandy. “Hi,” he said bashfully. Sandy was the most stunning woman he had ever seen. He put his hands over the front of his pants in an effort to conceal his member.

“Hi,” Sandy blushed. Little did Woody know, Sandy felt the same way he did – He was the most handsome man she’s ever laid eyes on. Her groin throbbed.

Over the next couple days, Woody and Sandy did as they were told, prepping the sleeping quarters for the journey across the ocean. All the while, the sexual tension between the two grew, so much so both of them found it unbearable being in the same space as each other and often avoided it… until the third night out at sea, that is, when Sandy approached Woody, who was sitting out on the main deck stargazing. “Hi,” she said. 

Woody sat up abruptly, and without hesitation, he blurted, “Sandy, I can’t take it anymore. I have to have you.”

“I feel the same way,” Sandy responded. “But… but I have my dad’s genes.” She lifted her dress, revealing a smooth, wooden patch with a small hole in the middle. To her surprise, Woody was not frightened. Instead, he smiled.

“Baby, I too suffer the same fate,” he exclaimed, pulling down his pants to show Sandy his long, slender wooden shaft.

Sandy squealed and yanked Woody’s head toward hers, shoving her tongue down his throat. “Put it in me,” she hollered. Woody obeyed, and thrust his member in and out of her. Sandy moaned, “More, more! Give me more!”

Woody thrust harder and faster, and as he did, their private parts began to smoke. Before long, a fire broke out, but the two did not stop fucking. Instead, they proclaimed their love for each other.

“I love you!” Woody cried out.

“I love you too!” Sandy screeched, as the two of them became engulfed in flames.

The fire spread, and soon the whole ship blazed in the darkness of the night. Most of the men, who were down in the sleeping quarters, burned alive. The few who were awake jumped ship; however, they too perished, as nearby sharks caught a whiff, charged at them and ripped them to shreds.

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January 27, 2021

A Day in the Life of a Lou

By Rhonda

Monday morning, the Lou walks into work, a small office with cubicles lining the walls. He squints under the incandescent lighting, and scratches his fully erect penis with the stapler in his hand. The Lou’s coworkers stare at him when he walks by their desks. They grimace, as the smell of cigarettes fills the air around them. The Lou is hungover — again. The skin under his eyes is dark and droopy, and his mouth is so dry, he can’t help but smack his tongue against his palate, in an effort to produce drool.

The woman who sits in the cubicle across from the Lou’s is wearing a loosely fitted dress to mask the extra 50 pounds she carries around her waist and thighs. The Lou stops, and greets the woman. He thinks her rotund figure is “breathtaking.”

“Hello, Gertrude,” he smiles. The woman stares at the blue computer screen in front of her, and prays that the Lou will leave her area without rubbing his hard-on against her back. The Lou’s “problem” is well known among his coworkers, and just two weeks ago, the woman underwent a hysterectomy to avoid any potential mishaps. Considering the Lou’s superiority over his coworkers, he is able to get away with even the most demoralizing acts.

The Lou pats the woman on the shoulder, sniffs her ear, and walks away. He peers into the empty cubicle on the other side of the woman’s. A blood stain covers the floor beneath the swivel chair. The Lou sighs. His all-consuming urges are even too much for him, sometimes.

Last month, a coworker — an older gentleman who often took off his shoes in the office — told the Lou about the recent birth of his granddaughter. The Lou’s insides boiled with excitement. The thought of a woman’s vagina ripping open caused his entire body to tremor. The Lou blacked out, and by the time he regained control of reality, in front of him laid the man with his pants wrapped around his ankles and blood pouring from his anus. The Lou looked down. His penis was also covered in blood. Behind him stood three women, screaming. The Lou had fucked the man’s butthole so hard, he ruptured his colon.

LouThe Lou shook his head, in an effort to rid his mind of such ungodly memories. He walked into the backroom connected to the office. Under the dim lights, stood three rows of giant computers. When the Lou’s impulsivity was too much to bear, he shoved his penis between the machines, and thrust ferociously. The Lou did this so often, none of his coworkers dared to go back there. Ever. They knew the consequences if the Lou were to see them during his moments of weakness.

Upset, the Lou pulled his pants down, and rubbed his protruding colon on the warm computers. He growled and moaned. He quivered, and rubbed harder. The pleasure intensified, causing the Lou to collapse to his knees. On all fours, he continued to rub his colon against the metal, until finally, he wailed and squirted jizz all over the floor in front of him. The Lou gasped for air, and fell over into the juicy mess. He squirmed until he fell asleep. With his pants around his ankles, the Lou, covered in jizz, slept until around noon, when it was time to eat donuts.

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August 27, 2020

I Wish I Were Gettin’ High with Early-1980s Christopher Walken

By Rhonda

I know it sounds random, but I just watched The Dead Zone the other day, and oh my goodness, how dorky looking was Christopher in that movie?! His goofy smile and those big, silly glasses – I just wanted to teleport into the movie and ravish him. Never in a million years did I think I would be sexually attracted to Christopher Walken, but man, he was so adorable in that movie! Of course, there are other reasons I wish I could toke up with Christopher right now, but first, I had to clarify why I chose him in the early 1980s. …And, now I need to change my panties.

AHEM, moving on – it’s no secret Christopher Walken is freaking hilarious. Everyone is aware of his brilliance on the big screen, but do the younger folks out there know just how incredible Christopher is on the dance floor?! If not, please refer to Fatboy Slim’s “Weapon of Choice” music video.

Now, I imagine my smoke session with Christopher to be nothing short of awkward bliss. He’d sit there with a serious face while I ramble on about butt hair, flaccid penises, crack houses or whatever else comes to mind. Then, about a half hour in, he’d start acting weird as shit, but still with that serious look on his face. Like, maybe he’d just randomly stand up, stare me straight in the eyes and balance a flower pot on his head. You never know.

After a while, we’d definitely have an epic dance-off to De La Soul’s “Keepin’ the Faith.” My brother and I used to love dancing to that song – there is so much potential with it. And not to brag or anything, but I am a pretty rockin’ dancer myself, so Christopher had better watch out!

Of course then, we would be hungry as hell after all that dancing, so we’d make some chicken and pears, one of Christopher’s specialties. And, once we were done eating, we’d fall asleep, cuddled up on a blanket under the stars… It’d be the most perfect smoke session EVER.

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January 27, 2020

Love & Fetish

By Rhonda

From behind his polished wooden desk, Vincent stared at his coworkers bustling by. He waited eagerly for her, his one true love. Finally, the door flung open, and in walked a petite woman with bright blue eyes wearing a short, orange sundress. Vincent perked up and cleared his throat in preparation to speak.

“H-h-h-h…” Unable to greet the woman, Vincent sighed and slouched behind his computer screen. He watched as the woman’s curly brunette locks bounced with each step she took. I just have to talk to her. She is the love of my life, the woman of my dreams, he thought. But how?

As Vincent brainstormed, he caught the woman investigating her whereabouts, as if to make sure no one was watching her. Assuming the coast was clear, the woman pulled a brown paper bag out of her big, red purse and shoved it into the bottom drawer of her desk. Vincent squinted but couldn’t make out what the woman concealed. He decided then that if he was ever going to get close to her, he had to find out what she was hiding. After everyone leaves tonight, I will pry her desk drawer open and find out what’s inside, he thought.

For the rest of the day, Vincent remained fixated on the clock in the upper right-hand corner of his computer screen, counting down every minute, every second, until finally the clock struck 5:00 p.m. He peered over his computer screen and watched his coworkers — including his love — pack up and shuffle out of the office.

After about 10 minutes, the office was eerily silent, and Vincent could hear himself breathing — inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. He crept toward the wooden desk sitting parallel to his across the room.

Ahh, Jaimi, my love, Vincent thought, and rubbed his fingers across the name tag hiding between two stacks of paper. He crouched down next to the drawer that held Jaimi’s bag and pulled a paper clip out of his pocket — when Vincent was 10 years-old, his brother taught him how to unlock a drawer using nothing but a paper clip.

The desk drawer opened with minimal effort. Inside lay the brown paper bag and nothing else — not even a speck of dust. Vincent picked up the bag and peeked inside. Oh my gosh! He jumped up, spilling the contents all over the floor.

Vincent stood there, eyes wide open, staring at the items now lying in front of him — a pink strap-on dildo, a human eyeball, a metal spork and a small photo album, all of which were covered in blood, mucus and brain remnants.

After the initial shock wore off, Vincent knelt down and picked up the photo album titled “Friends.” Each page in the album contained a photo of a different man, dead with ripped-out eyeballs and penetrated eye sockets. Vincent gasped, realizing this was the work of Jaimi, his one true love. Not knowing what else to do, Vincent shoved the items back into the brown paper bag and threw them into the desk drawer. He ran out of the office and into the hallway.

Vincent leaned over with his hands on his knees, gasping for air, trying to make sense of what he saw. And then it hit him — Jaimi was a serial killer, who used a metal spork to dig out the eyeballs of more than a dozen men before brutally fucking their eye sockets, causing extreme brain trauma and eventually death.

This surprisingly excited Vincent, and while he was still in the hallway, he unbuttoned his pants, reached into his underwear and grabbed his throbbing, erect penis. He stroked his cock, and grunted aloud until jizz squirted out and down the side of his leg. Tomorrow, my love. Tomorrow…

The next morning, Vincent watched as his coworkers filed in. Jaimi walked in about five minutes later than usual, carrying a small cup of coffee in her left hand. She immediately noticed someone had been snooping through her desk drawers. Panicking, she grabbed the brown paper bag and rushed into the unused mailroom. Vincent followed.

“It was me,” Vincent said, upon entering the dimly lit mailroom.

“W-What? What are you talking about?” Jaimi asked, hiding the bag behind her back.

“I went through it. I love you, Jaimi,” Vincent exclaimed. He walked closer to Jaimi, reaching out to take her hand in his.

“I…” Jaimi stuttered, not knowing how to respond. She held the bag in front of her now, focusing her eyes on it.

Fetish“It’s okay, Jaimi. I love you. I love you so much, I want to be one of your men. I want to be one of your friends,” Vincent said.

“I don’t know… I just don’t…” Before Jaimi could finish her sentence, Vincent had ripped out his right eyeball with his bare hands. He threw it on the floor in front of her feet.

“Please, Jaimi. I love you,” He exclaimed, with blood running down his cheek.

Now, Jaimi could not control herself. She wasted no time pulling the pink strap-on dildo up over her thighs and around her waist. She ran two fingers across the opening of her dripping wet vagina, and rubbed the juices across her long, firm dildo. She grabbed Vincent by the ears and pulled his head nearer.

Jaimi shoved the dildo into Vincent’s eye socket and thrusted back and forth. Vincent groaned, reached into his pants and stroked his now fully erect cock. The harder Jaimi thrusted, the harder Vincent stroked. Blood and mucus-like liquid covered the dildo.

After a while, Vincent let out one last scream, “I LOVE YOU, JAIMI!” He then grunted, squirted jizz all over the inside of his pants and fell over, dead.

Jaimi pulled out her iPhone and snapped a photo of Vincent, lying on the floor in fetal position with one hand still in his pants, and blood and brain remnants oozing out of his eye socket. She rubbed her clit until she orgasmed over top of Vincent; then packed up her belongings — including Vincent’s right eyeball — and left the mailroom, never to be seen again.

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