Monday morning, the Lou walks into work, a small office with cubicles lining the walls. He squints under the incandescent lighting, and scratches his fully erect penis with the stapler in his hand. The Lou’s coworkers stare at him when he walks by their desks. They grimace, as the smell of cigarettes fills the air around them. The Lou is hungover — again. The skin under his eyes is dark and droopy, and his mouth is so dry, he can’t help but smack his tongue against his palate, in an effort to produce drool.

The woman who sits in the cubicle across from the Lou’s is wearing a loosely fitted dress to mask the extra 50 pounds she carries around her waist and thighs. The Lou stops, and greets the woman. He thinks her rotund figure is “breathtaking.”

“Hello, Gertrude,” he smiles. The woman stares at the blue computer screen in front of her, and prays that the Lou will leave her area without rubbing his hard-on against her back. The Lou’s “problem” is well known among his coworkers, and just two weeks ago, the woman underwent a hysterectomy to avoid any potential mishaps. Considering the Lou’s superiority over his coworkers, he is able to get away with even the most demoralizing acts.

The Lou pats the woman on the shoulder, sniffs her ear, and walks away. He peers into the empty cubicle on the other side of the woman’s. A blood stain covers the floor beneath the swivel chair. The Lou sighs. His all-consuming urges are even too much for him, sometimes.

Last month, a coworker — an older gentleman who often took off his shoes in the office — told the Lou about the recent birth of his granddaughter. The Lou’s insides boiled with excitement. The thought of a woman’s vagina ripping open caused his entire body to tremor. The Lou blacked out, and by the time he regained control of reality, in front of him laid the man with his pants wrapped around his ankles and blood pouring from his anus. The Lou looked down. His penis was also covered in blood. Behind him stood three women, screaming. The Lou had fucked the man’s butthole so hard, he ruptured his colon.

The Lou shook his head, in an effort to rid his mind of such ungodly memories. He walked into the backroom connected to the office. Under the dim lights, stood three rows of giant computers. When the Lou’s impulsivity was too much to bear, he shoved his penis between the machines, and thrust ferociously. The Lou did this so often, none of his coworkers dared to go back there. Ever. They knew the consequences if the Lou were to see them during his moments of weakness.

Upset, the Lou pulled his pants down, and rubbed his protruding colon on the warm computers. He growled and moaned. He quivered, and rubbed harder. The pleasure intensified, causing the Lou to collapse to his knees. On all fours, he continued to rub his colon against the metal, until finally, he wailed and squirted jizz all over the floor in front of him. The Lou gasped for air, and fell over into the juicy mess. He squirmed until he fell asleep. With his pants around his ankles, the Lou, covered in jizz, slept until around noon, when it was time to eat donuts.