There I sat on my Nightmare Before Christmas bedspread, pondering how to spend my Saturday evening in Athens, OH. It was Homecoming weekend at Ohio University, and I really wanted to party. However, I was new to the school and only had one friend, my roommate who was working that night, so I had no one to meet uptown until…
Out of nowhere, I received a text from a boy named Grey. “We are at the Pub. Join us,” it read. I had no idea whom Grey was. All I knew was what my roommate told me – He was a boy I made out with at the bar the night before. I assumed Grey had to be somewhat cute or I wouldn’t have given him my number, so I told him I’d meet him there.
“I’m wearing a white jacket,” he said after I admitted I didn’t remember what he looked like. Seems legit, I thought.
I didn’t have a ride uptown, so I asked Mark, the boy I had been “seeing” the past few weeks, to drive me. Given that I had just moved to Athens a month prior, I was desperate for attention. Mark, though annoyingly normal – literally, he was the most normal person I’ve ever met – temporarily gave me the attention I needed. He, of course, agreed to drive me uptown. I did feel a touch of guilt for having my current love interest drive me to meet up with my new love interest, but honestly, if you knew how normal Mark was, you’d do the same thing.
The Pub was jam-packed when I arrived, and I didn’t even know where to begin looking for my mystery man, so I decided to blend in with the crowd by waiting in line for a drink. In doing so, I noticed an open seat at the bar.
“Is this seat taken?” I asked the super sexy boy sitting next to it. He said no, so I sat down and introduced myself. For the next hour or so, the sexy boy and I discussed hairy chests, nipple hair, butt hair, weird sexual experiences, facial moles and other odd, unflattering topics most people would probably not discuss with someone they just met.
Things seemed to be going well, and after 10 whiskey drinks, we were ready to hit the dance floor. But first, we had to relieve our bladders. We pushed open the door to the disgusting men’s restroom, which had only one urinal and one toilet with no toilet seat. I squatted over the toilet bowl while he used the urinal. When we finished, the sexy boy surprised me by getting down on one knee, pulling out an imaginary ring and asking me to marry him. Of course, I said yes, and it was time to celebrate.
On the dance floor, we grinded all up on each other and sloppily made out. When I got bored with that, I jumped up in one of the wooden booths and showed everyone in the bar my twerking skills. I used one of the booth’s posts as my stripper pole, and inevitably, pulled my tits out for the world to see.
“I have to pee,” I exclaimed mid-performance and jumped down from the booth. The sexy boy agreed to wait for me while I used the restroom. However, when I got back, he was gone. The sexy boy ditched me! I laughed hysterically and ventured outside to check out another bar scene.
About a block away, I ran into this unattractive – but very nice – boy named Nathan, who let me stay at his apartment a few weeks prior. I had locked myself out of my apartment and had idea what to do, so I just sat on the steps outside the main office and cried. Nathan saw me and invited me to stay with him for the night. I raided his refrigerator and passed out in his bed.
Now, Nathan invited me to join he and his friends, who were walking down the street to a bar called Broneys. Of course, I was down – I had no one else to hang out with.
However, as soon as we got there, I ran into Lucas, a very cute boy from one of my Psychology classes. I pulled his head toward mine, and we drunkenly ate each other’s faces. When the bar closed, I got his number.
Nathan was very upset that I kissed Lucas in front of him. He, for some reason, expected me to sleep with him that night, even though I never showed any interest at all. Nevertheless, he still gave me a ride home… and bitched the entire way.
The next day, I met up with Lucas. We got drunk, he cooked me dinner, and then we banged. I stayed the night at his house, which was FREEZING because he and his roommate were seeing how long they could go before turning on the heat for the winter. Thanks to that, I got sick – very sick, and later that week, normal Mark had to take me to the university’s health clinic. I ended my relationships with both of those fellows shortly after.
Now, you might be wondering what ever happened with Grey, the boy I was originally supposed to meet up with at the Pub. Well, we eventually met up… and then dated for 10 months. HA! He was awesome.
The Dong Files 